I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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