This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
