I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
