Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
