I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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