dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
