i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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