Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
