Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
