Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
