Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
