so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
