One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
