So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
either way he was missing a nipple.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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