Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm both gender and math confused
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
