I'm eating all of the evidence.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
