the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
