I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
