She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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