You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
