I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
