I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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