i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Randomize
