I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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