Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
