honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
