every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
