her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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