Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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