All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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