I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
