i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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