I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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