Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
