Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Someone stole a lamp last night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
