my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
