So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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