life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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