Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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