Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
