I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
