We're like a lot better than the average bears
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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