Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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