If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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