I cannot find my penis.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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