I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
its not stalking. its research.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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