I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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