your parents love me but you hate me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
