I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
