Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
