1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jerry, you need to find god
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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