no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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